


Remus comes out

by pckdrg



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 23:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20125654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pckdrg/pseuds/pckdrg
Summary: Remus tells the others that he is gay when they ask him about his love life.





	Remus comes out

‘How come you never date any girls, Moony?’ James asked lazily, sprawled out on his bed with their Transfiguration book held above him.

‘Mm?’ Remus replied half-listening, ending the sentence he was writing on a parchment of their essay. He was nearly finished, whereas James just started reading the textbook tonight.

James rolled on his side, his finger between the book so he would not lose the page he was on. ‘Why do you never ask a girl to Hogsmeade or something? I bet there are plenty of girls who would say yes - you’re very kind, gentle.. Girls love that.’

Remus had known James for four years now and he knew that James never said anything to make other people feel better, he knew James wasn’t just being generous, he was honest. So he smiled.

‘Thanks, mate, but I just don’t really… like the idea of going on dates with girls.’ He worded it carefully, getting a bit anxious at the subject.

James raised an eyebrow. ‘Why? Because of the scars?’

Sirius, who was laying on his bed and tapping his foot against the bedframe to the new David Bowie album they were listening to, made a noise that meant James was being insensitive, as he could be from time to time - because again, James was always honest. Remus however, didn’t mind at all.

‘Partly’, he admitted. That part was true.

‘I think they are wicked, Rey’, Peter joined the conversation. ‘And I bet girls love them, it makes you look older.’

‘Thanks’, Remus said with a small smile. ‘But no. Even if they like the scars, they’ll figure out about my.. furry problem eventually, and then it would be over.’

‘You don’t know that’, James retorted.

‘I’m not going to risk it. The less people that know, the better’, Remus said with a finality in his voice. ‘Besides-‘

Peter rolled his eyes, as he had heard Remus say stupid stuff like this too many times.

‘I know you’re rolling your eyes’, Remus interrupted himself. He was initially going to say _Besides, the bigger problem is that I don’t want to end up with a girl_ but his throat had suddenly closed up. He felt even more scared than he had been when the boys had found out about the werewolf situation. But hadn’t the opportunity presented itself almost perfectly right now? He just needed to be brave for a few minutes. They did not hate him for being a werewolf, maybe they would handle being gay the same way.

He took a deep breath. ‘Besides’, he began again, ‘I don’t want to date girls.’

James rolled onto his back again, opening his book. ‘You’re being ridicu-‘

‘Because I don’t like girls’, Remus continued, pulling at the end of his sock, staring down at his bed. He needed to keep his hands busy, or else they would go trembling.

‘You don’t like any girl in Hogwarts?’ Peter asked incredulously.

Remus was quiet for a short moment. ‘I don’t like any girl, Peter.’

The room was silent for a moment. Sirius had stopped tapping his bedframe, but wasn’t looking at Remus. James had turned his head and was looking at Remus with raised eyebrows. Peter looked confused, but then his face relaxed and he seemed to understand.

Remus felt uneasy, almost exposed as if he were naked, and quickly started talking.

‘I.. I figured- since you lot were okay with me being a werewolf, you’d be fine with this too, but if you- if you aren’t.. Than it’s fine too, I won’t mention it again, I-‘

‘Stop rambling, of course we’re fine with it’, James interrupted him while waving his hand casually. ‘I think we were all just a bit surprised that you told us, since you’re a very private person. But good for you mate, for figuring it out.’

Peter nodded. ‘Maybe you could ask a boy to Hogsmeade next week. I know there’s that Ravenclaw bloke with the brown wavy hair that is rumoured to be gay, so-‘

Sirius had not said anything yet but he suddenly sat up when Peter mentioned this. His eyes were wide and he looked bewildered.

‘Are you?’ He said in a rushed voice. ‘Going to ask a boy to Hogsmeade, I mean.’

Remus raised an eyebrow. ‘I wasn’t planning to, no. Why?’

‘Just wondering’, Sirius replied while relaxing visibly, his tensed shoulders dropped immediately. His eyes briefly met James’, and it had meant to go unnoticeable, but Remus had seen it.

‘Are you okay with it, then? You haven’t said anything yet’, Remus asked tentatively.

Sirius’ face looked surprised. ‘Of course I am! It’s fine. No problem.’

Remus nodded. ‘Alright then. Let’s talk about something else, it’s not that big of a deal after all.’

‘One quick question though, you must have realised you were gay for someone, who was it?’ Peter asked, propping his head on his arm, leaning on his elbow.

Remus felt his cheeks flush and he damned himself. He had always been a bad liar.

‘No one in particular. I just noticed that I wasn’t attracted to girls, didn’t think or talk the same way about them as you guys..’ He stumbled over his words but hoped they wouldn’t press further about the said Person.

‘Well, not every guy that doesn’t talk about girls is immediately gay’, Peter said, while shrugging his shoulders. ‘I mean, Padfoot never talks about girls either.’

James shot him a furtive look, but Peter didn’t seem to notice. The room had gone quiet again, but now the atmosphere was tense.

Peter looked at Sirius and must have realised he had said something wrong because Sirius was glaring at him, an insecure expression on his face - which was almost never displayed there.

Peter held up his hands. ‘I wasn’t insinuating anything, mate, just.. I’m sorry.’

‘Then why did you drag me into this?’ Sirius spat.

‘It was just something I noticed, why are you being so angry about it? You just said you had no problem with people being gay. But if it applies to you, you’re all sour about it.’

James watched the exchange like a tennis game. He hadn’t missed the hopeful glance that had passed Sirius’ face when Remus had told them he was gay, and even though it was a bit harsh from Peter to call Sirius out like that, he felt that Peter had a fair point. He looked over at Remus, who was biting his lip, looking at Sirius intently.

Sirius didn’t say anything, just shut his bed curtains and lay down with a heavy thump. James sighed and rubbed his temple. Remus just shrugged at him, returning to his work. They were both used to the dramatic nature of Sirius Black.

Later that night, when they had all gone to sleep, Remus lay awake in his bed. One hand was behind his head, casually twisting a few strands of hair. His head was swirling with thoughts - mostly good thoughts, since the others had accepted him without question yet again. He had never dared to hope he would find such great friends and sometimes wondered what he had done to deserve them. He was really glad and a bit proud of himself that he had told them. He thought of his mother, who had always told him that _if you are brave, others can be brave to. _If I can be brave and accept myself as a werewolf or gay, they can accept me too, Remus thought. How he wished his mother was still alive to tell her she was right. She always had been.

He heard shuffling on the other side of the dormitory. Sirius’ bed. He hadn’t said anything for the rest of the evening, still mad at Peter, Remus presumed. But now there was movement, he had been awake the whole time apparently. Suddenly Remus’ curtains were shoved aside and there he stood, hair all messy and dark eyes.

It had been Sirius Black of course, that had made Remus realise that he wasn’t attracted to girls. Remus groaned inside at how easily Remus was mesmerised by the boy, how much he made his stomach flutter. It’s wrong to feel this way, he’s your best friend, Remus thought desperately.

Sirius didn’t say anything, but looked at him with pleading eyes. Remus knew he wanted to lay beside him, they had done this quite some times before. Mostly after a full moon, or when Sirius had nightmares and needed comfort. Remus was glad that Sirius still wanted to come to his bed even though he was gay, that he wasn’t repulsed by the idea of laying next to someone who liked boys. Remus didn’t like to admit how much that insecurity had held him back telling them he was gay.

So Remus just shoved over, said nothing, and held up his blanket. Sirius joined him and put the blanket up to his chin, so only his head was visible. If he didn’t look so sad, Remus would have laughed at the picture.

‘Nightmare?’ Remus asked. It was what he always asked when Sirius came to him at night. But this time he knew it wasn’t a nightmare, but he didn’t know what to say else.

Sirius shook his head.

‘Are you angry at Peter?’

‘Not really’, Sirius said very quietly.

‘Not really?’

Sirius sighed. He bit his lip, a little bit too hard, Remus saw the flesh turn red.

He flicked his finger at Sirius’ lips. ‘Stop it, it’s almost bleeding, idiot.’

Sirius stirred a bit at the touch, turning away from Remus. Remus put his hand back quickly, a bit hurt.

Sirius groaned and put his hands on his face, rubbing it.

‘I’m sorry - I’m only pushing you away, when I.. When I want..’

Remus just looked at him, expectantly.

‘I don’t know how to say it, Remus’, he whispered.

‘Why not?’

‘I’m afraid’, Sirius said, hands still on his face so he wouldn’t have to look Remus in the eyes.

‘Are you afraid that I will get mad? Or won’t like you anymore?’

He saw Sirius swallow. Finally, he spoke. ‘I’m afraid that I’ll lose you as a friend. That it’ll ruin us.’

‘I think it must be something really bad to ruin our friendship, Pads, you’re my best friend, you know that’, Remus said softly. Normally he would have nudged his shoulder, but he didn’t dare to anymore since Sirius had shifted away from him earlier.

‘Are you really not going to ask someone on a date? There isn’t anyone.. you like? Some boy you realised you were gay for?’ Sirius asked quietly.

‘I’m not going to ask anyone.’ He expertly avoided the second part of the question.

‘There isn’t someone?’

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but wasn’t sure whether to lie or tell the truth - he never lied to Sirius and felt bad doing it. The pause was enough of an answer, and Sirius removed his hands. He turned on his side to face Remus, getting closer.

‘Do I know him? Why won’t you ask him?’

‘He would never say yes’, Remus admitted.

Sirius’ brows furrowed. ‘How do you know that? You’re an incredible person, Rey, he would be mad to say no.’

‘I dunno, he’s just way out of my league I guess’, Remus replied somewhat vaguely.

Sirius bit his lip again and looked Remus directly into his eyes for some time. Remus tried to focus on breathing normally.

‘It would be weird, you know, if one of us suddenly dated someone.. And they would go on dates during Hogsmeade and there would be three Marauders instead of four’, Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus let out an exasperated sigh. ’I think the first person who’ll get a date is you, Pads.’

Sirius raised his eyebrows. ‘Me? Why me?’

Remus let out a nervous laugh. ‘I mean, have you looked at yourself? Surely you noticed all the girls staring at you. Are you really fishing for compliments right now?’

Sirius however, seemed genuinely confused. ‘No, I haven’t noticed. I don’t really notice girls anyway.’ The last bit came out a bit mumbled, but it was meant for Remus to hear.

‘Poor girls’, Remus said with a sly smile. His insides were on fire, though.

Sirius grinned at him. ‘I think girls are pretty annoying, to be honest. Would never go on a date with them.’

‘So you’re just going to be single forever?’

Sirius raised one eyebrow.

Remus stared at him. Sometimes, during classes, especially boring classes, he felt himself staring at Sirius, just like all those other girls. And he would feel utterly pathetic, hoping that Sirius would look at him and flash Remus’ favourite smile, that he only reserved for him. It made him feel triumphant, that the other girls never saw that smile. It felt stupid to gain so much joy from something so small, but Remus couldn’t help it. He wanted to see that smile right now.

Sirius moved closer, popped up on one elbow, hovering a bit over Remus. He was staring at him intently. Remus saw his eyes flicker to his lips and Remus felt his breath speeding up.

Sirius licked his lips briefly and his face was one of confusion, yet determination, and what felt like seconds or minutes - Remus didn’t know - eventually Sirius bent down and brushed his nose against Remus’, his mouth inches from his.

Remus closed his eyes and released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. On one hand, he didn’t dare move because he was afraid Sirius would turn away. But another part of him desperately wanted to do things he didn’t know his body craved. Like it was stored deep inside him, and only now came surfacing with Sirius so close to him.

So he lifted his head and turned it a bit, so their noses were no longer touching, and his lips briefly scraped Sirius’.

He heard Sirius pant a bit and it made his heart jolt. _Is this even real?_ He thought suddenly.

‘Am I dreaming?’ Remus wondered out loud.

Sirius grinned, and it was the favourite smile. Remus felt himself fill with happiness. Sirius slowly put a hand in Remus’ hair and started twisting a few strands of hair, just like Remus had been doing earlier.

‘No, Moony, you’re not dreaming.’ And he pushed his lips onto his.

Remus gasped into his mouth, and felt his body move without coordination and almost out of his own accord. His body responded to Sirius in a way as if they had done this countless times, as if it knew what to do.

Sirius moaned softly and slowly shifted so he was laying on top of Remus. Remus arched his back, again unconsciously, and gasped when it resulted in some friction. They were both only wearing pyjama bottoms, as usual, but now it seemed like something far too intimate for a first kiss. Sirius, however, didn’t seem to mind. He pushed Remus back down into the mattress. One hand was in Remus’ hair, the other slowly wandered off to Remus’ hip and squeezed it.

Remus broke the kiss because he needed to look up at Sirius, to be absolutely sure that this was real, that Sirius Black was kissing him. Sirius stared back.

‘I’m scared’, Sirius whispered.

‘Me too’, Remus said, almost pleadingly. _Don’t hurt me. Please don’t let this ruin us. I don’t want to you lose you as a friend._ But he couldn’t bring himself to say those things.

‘But how can it feel so good if it’s a bad thing?’

Remus bit his lip. ‘Maybe it’s not a bad thing, then.’

Sirius seemed lost in thought.

‘I want this’, he said eventually. ‘I want you.’

Remus’ insides squirmed. He raised his hand and put it in Sirius’ hair, caressing it slowly. Sirius leaned into the touch.

‘I do too.’

So Sirius leaned down again. The kiss was less uncertain than the first, almost rough, more passionate. Sirius pushed one leg between Remus’, causing much more friction than before. His breath sped up, and he moaned when Remus pulled on his hair.

‘Fuck, Rey-‘, he whispered.

Remus was just as breathless. All of this felt so new, yet so familiar because it was Sirius that was laying on top of him.

Sirius stopped kissing him, but moved his mouth to Remus’ neck. He had never done this before, but hoped it would feel good for Remus. He kissed every inch of Remus’ neck, and sucked lightly just behind his ear and felt Remus tense up and gasp loudly.

Sirius grinned. ‘Like that?’

‘God, keep going, please’, Remus panted.

Eventually, both intoxicated by each other yet drained by all the kissing, they fell asleep. Sirius’ head was laying on Remus’ chest, on the scarred chest he loved so much - he had seen countless times, but never touched. Every scar told its own story and Sirius loved them all. He was lazily tracing his fingers over them before he fell into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning, they were suddenly blinded by the sunlight that found their way into the bed. There was also James, who had harshly shoved the curtains aside and was now looking down at them, still half-asleep.

‘Oh hi Sirius, fancy seeing you here’, he mumbled.

Remus flushed immediately, but Sirius waved his hand at James, not uncomfortable at all. ‘Let us sleep some more minutes, Potter’. He closed his eyes again and shuffled closer to Remus, nuzzling his head in Remus’ neck.

‘Well I’m glad I was up all night hearing you two, next time use silencing spells’, James replied while shoving the curtains back. Sirius’ eyes shot open and Remus groaned frustratedly and threw his head back in the pillows. ‘Could you kill me right now, Sirius?’ He asked while Sirius just shouted that James was jealous.


End file.
